Sometimes you gotta fall apart to put yourself back together again – just a little bit better than you were before.
Today I was tired.
Mentally really tired.
I’m a really private person (a strange quality in a blogger – I know). But if you look at my blog, it’s mostly about other people. I rarely shine the spotlight on myself.
The last few days I’ve felt really out of sorts. I really needed to open up to someone, and I just couldn’t quite find my way. Today after getting the boys out the door, I picked up the phone and called the best person I know to speak with when you’ve lost your way a bit: Mom.
My mom would have been a formidable psychologist. When I was younger, and I was hit with some foggy, undefined blues, she would ask me, “If it could be anything that is upsetting you, what might it be.”
That always opened up a big can of healing, cathartic worms.
Today I had a good cry with her. I am too private to go into the foggy details of what was upsetting me – really would underwhelm you anyway -but after we spoke – I felt clear. I didn’t exactly feel better – but I felt clear. Hopeful.
One of the things we hit upon was my need to CREATE. My old therapist told me that I am an extremely creative person, and that if I am not making art or writing, I will be a cranky, bitchy person to be around. Yes! She actually said that.
I went out and bought some new sketch books and different types of water colors . A really gentle, easy way for me to break into some art making without a lot of judgement stopping the whole process.
I went to Whole Foods and just that air conditioning and all that organic goodness made me feel better. Yes, if you know me – Whole Foods to Marissa is like Tiffany’s to Holly Golightly.
As I drove home with a small bag of goodies, I realized that my meltdown paved the way to make some little changes. The little cracks running through my body and psyche were like little paths of light and new breath.
I have lots of mean voices that says, “You should always get it right!! The first time!” They hurt! I push them away. I am going to feed the good wolf. (My new favorite podcast:The One You Feed.) So, yeah – I’m feeling better and have a new list of things I want to do.
I feel refreshed from crying and stewing and mucking around a bit the last few days. I couldn’t have gotten these ideas (and have recognized the need to make some art) without this mood.
It’s really important that this post sends the message that if you are a closet psychological perfectionist like me -it’s okay to break down, or slow down or sputter or whatever you need to do. Maybe you can open up to a friend. Maybe not. But it’s okay. I’m not trying to talk about transcendence here or heavy duty change. Just a little breath. A little move to the right or left. A little play space. Or breakdown space. Whatever you need.
After Whole Foods I went home and made a sun dried tomato basil hummus from my new food muse: Deliciously Ella and my best friend and I emailed and she made me laugh both happy and straight to the heart sorts of tears.
Sending love and light out there, peeps!